LEAKED: Secret Society Interview With Shayne Leighton & Chantal Gadoury

Salutations, Gifted Reader or Sniveling Snoop,

I do hope you're having a grand morning, or evening, depending on your whereabouts—unless, I suppose, you were one of the glamorous proprietors of a successful indie publishing company, abruptly forced to stow away in an abandoned bunker while the halls of your mansion office gets picked apart by detectives... in which case, a simple "good day" should suffice.

In my research, which certainly does not involve visiting their marble and quartz-chiseled headquarters, I happened to stumble upon a file containing what appears to be a recent interview with Yale's elite Skull & Bones Society, as well as a thumb drive—with one, lone video file within.

For your viewing pleasure, here is the transcript and video below:

If you could choose any small animal and make it big, what would it be?

Shayne: A snake—Particularly an Eastern Indigo, because it’s non-venomous, all black, and pretty, so I can ride it into battle.

Chantal: A bird, that way I can hop onto it's back and fly wherever I wanted to. And you know, all Princesses have birds as companions.

If you had a house made of anything, what would it be?

Shayne: I’d have a house made of natural, uncut diamond. Because it’s badass, luxurious, and also impenetrable. It’s the hardest substance on earth, so I’d feel super secure.

Chantal: Trees. Like a tree house. That could be cool. But I also want modern day plumbing. That's important.

What is your deepest, darkest secret?

Shayne: If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Chantal: If I tell you, it's not a secret anymore.

If you could be any past president, during what historical event would it be?

Shayne: I would be Theodore Roosevelt because he was progressive for his era, he was a conservationist, and a naturalist. He also attended Harvard, which is a personal goal of mine in some capacity. He created five national parks, fighting to protect our forest and wildlife during his presidency.

Chantal: I'd probably have to say George Washinton. Mr. Washington was highly respected, always tried to do the right thing, was a great leader to thousands of men, and adored his wife. While he never had children of his own, he embraced Martha Washington's children and loved them despite all of their flaws - even when they truly broke his heart. He created a nation, but remained humble.

Would you rather lose all of your hair permanently or sweat melted cheese?

Shayne: I’d definitely rather lose all of my hair. Though my hair is sort of my calling card, I’d jump to get a sick head tattoo— and I think sweating melted cheese would be extremely off-putting.

Chantal: I've lost a lot of my hair in the past, and it's awful. But I'd much rather that then. . . sweat melted cheese. That's just gross.

Cut an apple in half with your bare hands

Shayne: Um… Okay. I just did. But you have no proof of it. Oh well.

Chantal: I can't. I won't even pretend that I tried.

Have you ever peed in a swimming pool?​

Shayne: Totally. Who hasn’t? I mean, I was like five… or was it fifteen? I can’t remember.

Chantal: Anyone who says they haven't, is lying.

If you were an adult film star, what would your name be?

Shayne: Cinnamon Slytherclaw — I’ve put great thought into this.

Chantal: The generator test I took said I'm a "Chastity Broadway." Sure? I'll take it.

What is your favorite sound?

Shayne: A fire crackling in a hearth.

Chantal: My favorite sound has to be when it's raining outside. But not just any rain - it's dark; the twilight of the sky has disappeared, and there's this steady rain that you can hear through your open windows. You can even smell the dampness as a breeze slightly draws it into the room with you. There's no television on; the world is just silent around you - all except for the rain. There's something about those particular rain storms that I love.

What would you do if you worked on the set of Flubber and you caught Robin Williams with Flubber in his pants?

Shayne: I’d make sure he knew I knew. Then I’d smile, wink, tell him to enjoy himself, and that it would be our little secret. Then, I’d visit craft services for a croissant and pretend I knew nothing.

Chantal: I would slowly back out of the room, turn my gaze away, and say, "Oof, wrong bathroom!"